Time Shatters

2009, I'm ready for you.

2009-01-02T19:28:00.000-08:00

"If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs. And maybe your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery, isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance. Of how much you really want to do it. And you'll do it, despite rejection in the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods. And the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is."

-- Charles Bukowski (stolen from Ping's blog, yes I still read you Pinggoy :) )

How can I beat 2008? It was a good year for me. I bagged a sports campaign as a dancer, I did major advertising campaigns for different products (one for a household cleaner, one for a leading detergent brand, one for cough medicine, and some other minor ones). I did a lot of dancing as a soloist, including being part of an international show in Hong Kong. I got engaged! I am more inspired than ever.

2009 is going to be better, I can just feel it. More dancing, more campaigns, more inspiration, and giving back to the community, making a mark, and inspiring others to do the same. Not to mention, starting a family. I can't wait. I can't can't can't wait.

So if I were you, I'd ignite the flame within you. As I've always said, fight the good fight. Everything else is just not worth the effort. Enjoy 2009, pray a lot and love intensely. And please, give back. To whom much is given, much is expected.

2008-09-18T04:01:00.000-07:00

"But there are still the hours, aren't there? One and then another, and you get through that one and then, my god, there's another."

- The Hours, Michael Cunningham

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"It doesn't happen all at once, said the Skin Horse. You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand.

I suppose you are real? said the Rabbit. And then he wished he had not said it, for he thought the Skin Horse might be sensitive. But the Skin Horse only smiled.

The Boy's Uncle made me Real, he said. That was a great many years ago; but once you are Real you can't become unreal again. It lasts for always."

- The Velveteen Rabbit, Margery Williams

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"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow Roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars, and in the middle, you see the blue center-light pop, and everybody goes aww..."

- On the Road, Jack Kerouac

"When there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire."

2008-07-18T01:11:00.000-07:00

What will you wish for this time around? Birthdays, afterall, are meant to celebrate new beginnings and to finalize endings.

You say you want peace of mind now that you've reached a new point in your life. I remind you that was exactly what you asked for a year ago. And the year before that.

Expel thoughts and choices that confuse your heart, your mind, in order to free your soul. You're still trapped, I think. Trapped in your concept of security. Ironically, your idea of security is exactly the same thought that keeps you unsure of your future.

Happy? Well, yes.
Confused? A bit.
Scared? Very.
Why do I find myself in complicated situations, you ask.
You make your own decisions, I say.

Happiness begins at the point of acceptance and gratitude. When you stop asking questions why your life can't be the way you've always imagined it to be. When you are grateful instead, of what is and isn't given to you.

Light the fire, I say. Ignite your soul. It's about time. Because you can't live like this forever.

I know, you say. Like you always say. Over. And over.

You KNOW. But you don't DO.

Something has to change. Or else you'll be bound by this persistent anxiety. Once you decide to stop holding it in and begin screaming, I'm afraid there'll be no one left to hear you.

Life Decides For You

2007-01-19T01:36:00.000-08:00

Maybe you shouldn't expect too much from people. You end up disappointed and disillusioned. You set your heart on something hopeful. Because you thought hope was enough to get you through. However, this idealism can break you. And your heart. I once heard someone say that you shouldn't seek yourself in other people. Because it is this longing that leads to dependency. And dependency, as we all know, can shatter the spirit.

Live and let live. Because life decides for you. The inevitable will happen, no matter how much energy you direct towards it. Accept, then move on.

"It's not about being unscathed. I'm not unscathed. That's the dumbest thing I ever heard. Obviously I've been heartbroken. We all know what that feels like, but the thing about it is that I chose to take the time to dive really deep to understand the lesson instead of sitting on the surface and blaming. I don't want to be bitter. I want to learn how to love better and better and better."

- India Arie

2006-10-04T20:50:00.000-07:00

Pitiful is the person who is afraid of taking risks. Perhaps this person will never be disappointed or disillusioned; perhaps she won't suffer the way people do when they have a dream to follow. But when that person looks back -- and at some point everyone looks back -- she will hear her heart saying, "What have you done with the miracles that God planted in your days? What have you done with the talents God bestowed on you? You buried yourself in a cave because you were fearful of losing those talents. So this is your heritage: the certainty that you wasted your life.

Pitiful are the people who must realize this. Because when they are finally able to believe in miracles, their life's magic moments will have already passed them by.

- Paolo Coelho, By The River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept

A friend of mine said that your person is made up of a morsel you take from each person you encounter. Bits and pieces of good conversation and advice. Jabs of ambitiousness. Helpings of beauty and love and passion. A dash of commitment, a spoonful of tears. A pocketful of failure. You take this all in and form a self. Yourself. In the hopes that somehow, you create your very own someone who can beat the odds and remain sane in an otherwise insane world.

I am lucky to have been surrounded (and continually so) by women who know not to waste time. Women who knew exactly what they were here for, and who have the healthiest of egos that they digest failure and rejection quite nicely. You won't see them sulking in a corner because of some funny excuse like quarter life crisis or saying some equally silly line like "I feel so lost, I don't know what to do with my life." They are bigger than that, these dream chasers. They've accomplished a lot not due to luck. The world gave them what they worked hard for. And also, I think, a lot of good karma was involved.

These women remind me that each day, I have the opportunity to create greatness.

Jenny Atienza. The immigration officer at the US Embassy wonders why Jenny would want to work as a retail clerk in Telluride. "But you came from a university that is considered the Harvard of the Philippines?!" Jenny answers him with all honesty - "because I want to have fun." Sir Officer stamps her visa, and she is on her way to Colorado. She leaves her life of Manila luxury, and tells me stories of shopping at WalMart ("I feel so poor!"). But before I paint a picture of shallowness, the real reason of her leaving the country was to find herself. She packed her bags, never looked back, and embraced her future. She currently sends us dollars for shopping and nice dinners every now and then. That's one of the reasons we're glad she's there. She's come a long way -- and in between skiing, mountain climbing, snowboarding, wine tasting -- she does her old 9 to 5 and preparing for married life.

Julia Abad. "It's Hoolee-a, not Chool-ya." Julia has too many credentials under her belt. Beat this: Department of Social Welfare and Development, Ayala Foundation, National Democratic Institute for International Affairs, Asia Pacific Philanthropy Consortium, Ateneo de Manila University, Harvard University. It's easy to form a wrong first impression of her - the fashionable clothes, the colegiala twang, and vanity will make you think that she's your regular party girl. But this Fulbright scholar has always been consistent. She's been echoing public service ever since I've known her, and is living it. I'd fly vote for her if/when she decides to run for office.

Cia Bernales. Hay nakow, si Gracia. She who loves TVJ as much as I do, she who thinks that I only deserve to date hot men, she who is as j-to-the-logs as I am. Cia flew off to New York after freshman year in highschool, and decided to wreak havoc in the city that never sleeps. While earning a degree at the FIT, she made waves in the Asian American community by creating generationrice.com, an online magazine that provided an avenue "to celebrate the Asian and Asian American experience." The publication that bound rice eaters all over America ran for a good 40+ issues. This graphic designer slash writer slash critic slash traveler can't be kept still. It is her life I envy -- the gourmet food she cooks/eats, the places she goes to, the risks she takes. My words don't do her justice, you have to experience her: pabulum.ext212.com.

Karen Go. One of Cosmo Magazine's "Women to Watch Out For." One of the strongest personalities I know, but buckles under the pressure of love. :p I tell her that she's one of the most sought after executives in the advertising industry (she's only 26!), and she answers me with a "nye!". A high-profile ad agency tries to poach her from her senior account director post at award-winning ad agency BBDO. But the Guerreros and Ortegas in this world know that they can't afford to lose this powerhouse.

Katski Flores. The Madame Pernelle to my Flipote. "I recommend that every woman tries it, it's liberating," she tells me when I asked her why she shaved her head at one point.

As one of the most important writers in the entertainment industry, she is the genius behind those heart-wrenching dramas on tv and the silver screen. Her play on words consistently affects me. And I don't get affected easily.

She is always so curious, asking questions, interested in other's own stories. Because this is where she gets her fuel.

Maris Dimayuga. I've witnessed her heartbreaks, her career rejections, and most importantly, her successes. The reason of her success, I think, is that she keeps trying without losing heart. This is common of people who know what they want--nothing ever gets in the way. I've seen her lose boyfriends and roles and opportunities. But each time, she bounces back because she knows that something better is in store.

She's not lucky, she's just talented and hardworking and beautiful. Here's to trips to France, Hong Kong, gag shows, telenovela villains, obscure plays, lovers in Paris, and everywhere else.

Valerie Roxas. I had the privelege of working with this beautiful girl twice -- the first time for a tv ad, and second for a short film. I am especially in awe of unassuming beauties -- girls who are humbled by their looks. Val knows too well that she doesn't have to make a big fuss of how wonderful she looks like, because she can use her smarts to get by. She is one of those people who do well in everything they apply themselves to, because they put their whole heart to it. And her kindness. It exudes. Which is probably why she radiates beautifully.

Forget Writing

2006-06-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

I tend to forget writing when I'm stable. It's an incapacity. I am incapable to forge words into meaningful thoughts when I'm not wallowing in my feelings of regret, sadness, or pity. Misery is my muse.

I am currently happy and satisfied with my life. So much that I am willing to forget to write--writing that helps me process and cope with sadness. Call me ungrateful, if you may. But like a prodigal daughter, I promise to return. In the meantime, I will have to learn how it is to process laughter into meaningful phrases.

Because There is No Such Thing as Quarter Life Crisis

2006-04-20T17:47:00.000-07:00

Say it with me. "Quarter life crisis is not real." Absorb it.

The first time I heard about QLC, I thought it made sense. I was in my early 20s at the time and wondered if I can come to terms with my life when QLC hits me.

Fast forward to five years after. I realize that your life is what you decide it to be. All of the people I admire and respect knew what they wanted right from the start. And no, it wasn't because they were lucky, it was because they made a conscious decision to do something with their lives. Some wanted to become actors. So they went to countless auditions, and plodded on even after countless rejections. Some wanted to become corporate hotshots. So they plotted their careers, dealt with difficult bosses and failed projects, but patiently worked their way up. Some wanted to be full-time parents. So they gave up their careers to nurture their children.

QLC is a convenient excuse for people who do not want to compromise or are afraid to fail. Because tell me, why wouldn't you know what to do with your life? Is it because 1) You're miserable in your job because you're not making enough money (so do yourself a favor and find a better paying one); 2) You'd rather wait for an opportunity to come along (look for, or better yet, chase after the opportunity, never just "wait"); 3) You're afraid to follow what your heart tells you to do (you'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take).

Stop whining. Find out what fuels your soul. And work your way from there. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

But maybe I'm being unfair. Maybe there are truly lost souls out there. However, that doesn't give you the passport to retreat in a corner and drown in your misery. Okay, so you can whine for a bit. Afterwhich, you get up, and trudge on. When you get sidetracked from your destination, come back home. Find out where home is. It should be a place littered with both good and bad memories, filled with love and pain. Because it is in such a place where you will be able to remember. And relive. And regroup.

For me, home can mean the bustle of activity of pets and people at my parent's house, the parquet floors of the dance studio, the rehearsal room of my university's mini theater, the stretch that is Katipunan Ave. What's yours?

But my point is, don't sit on your indeciseveness and insecurity. QLC is for weak- hearted. Don't waste the pretty.
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If I were asked to give what I consider the single most useful bit of advice for all humanity, it would be this: Expect trouble as an inevitable part of life, and when it comes, hold your head high. Look it squarely in the eye, and say, 'I will be bigger than you. You cannot defeat me.'

- Ann Landers

Tell me.

2006-03-05T20:38:00.000-08:00

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living.
I want to know what you ache for
and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are.
I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool
for love
for your dream
for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring your moon...
I want to know if you have touched the centre of your own sorrow
if you have been opened by life’s betrayals
or have become shrivelled and closed
from fear of further pain.

I want to know if you can sit with pain
mine or your own
without moving to hide it
or fade it
or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy
mine or your own
if you can dance with wildness
and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes
without cautioning us to
be careful
be realistic
remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me
is true.
I want to know if you can
disappoint another
to be true to yourself.
If you can bear the accusation of betrayal
and not betray your own soul.
If you can be faithless
and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see Beauty
even when it is not pretty
every day.
And if you can source your own life
from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure
yours and mine
and still stand at the edge of the lake
and shout to the silver of the full moon,
“Yes.”

It doesn’t interest me
to know where you live or how much money you have.
I want to know if you can get up
after the night of grief and despair
weary and bruised to the bone
and do what needs to be done
to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know
or how you came to be here.
I want to know if you will stand
in the centre of the fire
with me
and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom
you have studied.
I want to know what sustains you
from the inside
when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone
with yourself
and if you truly like the company you keep
in the empty moments.

- The Invitation, Oriah Mountain Dreamer

An Open Letter

2006-01-24T16:18:00.000-08:00

You say you're back at square one after 5 years. Funny how you thought things would be different, but your patterns remain the same. Here you are once more looking for someone who has the answers. You're more patient now though. Wiser, maybe. But bruised all the same. You have accepted that you should make yourself happy before you can make anyone else happy; that you cannot protect yourself from pain, but you can choose to survive; that nothing worthwhile is ever easy.

It is all too easy to give up, but your spirit of steel refuses. Funny how you used to think that the only love essential is one that is romantic, when you are surrounded with real love from people who promise to protect you. You just need to reinstate your belief in yourself, in God, in courage, in humility, in love. Work hard for it. Make me proud.

The betrayal was only but a slight snip. The real challenge is forgiveness. I want to see you fly from the ashes, I want to see you soar.

Stop asking yourself what else you could've done. Because the answer is nothing. Absolutely nothing. You held on as long as you could, and swallowed the most bitter of truths, and watched yourself die a little everyday. But you are worth more than that. Alive, you do so many beautiful things.
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"Take a deep breath of life and consider how it should be lived... Call nothing your own, except your soul. Love not what you are, but only what you may become."- Don Quixote, Man From La Mancha

2006-01-10T03:20:00.000-08:00

are you going to spend your whole life like that?
- From Exploding Dog

Be Your Own Rockstar for 2006

2005-12-29T23:21:00.000-08:00

I am ashamed of myself for thinking that 2005 wasn't a very good year for me. I have a habit of setting unreasonable and impossible expectations for myself, but hey, I can't help it. I'm one who believes that all dreams are within reach as long as you want them bad enough, if your reasons for wanting them are valid, and if you're not hurting anyone in your quest.

But looking back at my "2005 New Year" entry, I realized that I followed my own advice afterall. I loved without pride, I reinforced my spirituality, I tried my best to be kind to people (and to animals!), ran after my ambitions, did a lot of things for the first time, and did something that scared me by committing myself to permanency.

2006, I am so sure, will be a revelation. I can't wait.
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Some of the Things I've Learned
- borrowed from one of my favorite reads, faithlessphil

Always eat oranges. I can neither for certain say that there are real benefits, nor that they do no harm. I just know I always feel better after a slice of ponkan.

People who claim to have no opinion on politics have the most political minds. The ones who say they have strong opinions about politics are mostly repeating things they heard on TV.

Music is the sturdiest bridge.

Umbrellas are the most forgettable things in the world.

Life doesn't have to be fair, but it's okay. When you think about it, that just makes it all the more interesting.

High priced vintage clothes are perhaps the dumbest thing someone can buy.

If you want to write, you have to write. No excuses.

You can always make a living doing what you like. It will not be easy, but it is definitely possible. The trick is to not stop trying.

It's not about being clever. It's about being true.

Never underestimate the power of a single rose.

Some people can never ever tan.

The most we can ever hope for in any endeavour is that we made at least one other person happy.

Math is a beautiful thing, but not nearly as useful as mathematicians would have us believe. The awful truth is that math is art.

Poetry describes.

There is nothing horrible about falling. What's horrible is when the fall ends and you hit the ground. The trick then, is to never stop falling.

Keep falling in love. There is nothing horrible about falling.

On average, nothing found on the internet can ever be trusted, including this list.

Don't set yourself up for failure.

2005-12-14T16:52:00.000-08:00

Expect nothing. Live frugally
On surprise.
become a stranger
To need of pity
Or, if compassion be freely
Given out
Take only enough
Stop short of urge to plead
Then purge away the need.

Wish for nothing larger
Than your own small heart
Or greater than a star;
Tame wild disappointment
With caress unmoved and cold
Make of it a parka
For your soul.

Discover the reason why
So tiny human midget
Exists at all
So scared unwise
But expect nothing. Live frugally
On surprise.

- Expect Nothing, Alice Walker

2005-12-11T23:38:00.000-08:00

It takes a while before you can consider yourself healed. Maybe it takes a reunion of things, events, faces and feelings familiar to your memory--when you relearn how it is to be who you were before expectations were set. Or probably you have to go through a deliberation of sorts--you argue and debate with your inner self until you reach a point when the battle between your heart and mind has ceased. But whatever it takes, the peace you're clamoring for will come only if you want it to.

Bianca Denise

2005-11-21T23:11:00.000-08:00

Sometimes the fall kills you, and sometimes when you fall, you fly.
- Neil Gaiman, The Sandman: Fables and Reflections

7 years of company doesn’t guarantee security. Bianca confirms this, as she calls me one day, and very calmly ("calmly" being the operative term) tells me her story that caused my heart to scream. Her wedding plans had been cancelled a few months back, and she just found out that her ex-fiance had moved on. What do you say in instances like this--situations that place you in a bubble of memory, as if it were happening to you?

It is that moment when you try to make excuses of why things ended up the way they did. Sometimes you blame it to fate, God, or even karma. Anything bigger than you are. Because situations like this validate your insignificance. You have no choice but to feel small.

I shared her pain, unwittingly and regretfully, because I did not want to be engulfed in it. At the same time, I felt guilty of my relief--thank God it wasn’t happening to me.

I struggled to gather the strength, and the right words, even if I knew that everything had been said. I wanted to let her know that I emphatized, that I also knew betrayal. But Bianca already knew what she was up against. She was competing with her own demons. "He broke my soul", she said.

How do souls break? Through unmet expectations and unkept promises. And you are faced with the terrible prospect of permanency, the possibility that the pain will etch its name on your skin. Bianca fights this off with acceptance. "I don't regret loving him, at least I can say I loved him fully even after he stopped loving me. I love him so much that I was willing to let him go finally."

And by saying that, in my opinion, she has already won all battles she has fought, is continuing to fight, and will face. Love like that wins over anything, everything, everytime.

2005-10-23T17:47:00.000-07:00

There are times when loneliness is a way for life to catch up on you, and remind you how it is to truly live, because you've forgotten what it's like to be alive. Life reminds you when you're sipping your coffee alone in a crowded café, looking on at people chitchatting, oblivious that they are wasting their time looking for happiness in convoluted conversations.

They do not know that they will only figure out what real bliss is when they're holed up in their little sanctuaries, listening to music that has turned meaningless. It's when you start remembering and look back at a past that you shouldn't hold on to--when yesterdays are a string of happy memories that can never be regained. It's that moment when clichés take over-that the past is the past, and that this too shall pass.

Most of the time, nobody understands, because most of them believe that happiness equates to romance. They search and search for that one person that will make them feel complete, when in truth, it is only you who can complete you. There are also those who are afraid to accept the love that is bestowed upon them for reasons that I will never understand. Love isn't a commodity you can return. You are left with no choice but to accept affection, whether you like it or not, because this is where you will feed off the love you will give back, whether it be for the same person, or another.

2005-10-12T17:49:00.000-07:00

I beg you...to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

Patricia

2005-10-05T00:31:00.000-07:00

While love is common, true love is rare, and I believe that few people are fortunate enough to experience it. The roads of regular love are well traveled and their markers are well understood by many - the mesmerizing attraction, the ideational obsession, the sexual afterglow, profound self-sacrifice and the desire to combine DNA. But true love takes its own course through uncharted territory. It knows no fences, has no barriers or boundaries. It's difficult to define, eludes modern measurement and seems scientifically woolly. But I know true love exists. I just can't prove it.

- David Buss,"The Evolution of Desire"

In my most jaded state, I described love as chemical.

"It's all science", I said, trying to mend a broken heart, convincing myself that feelings were merely biological reactions. "I just have to take a pill to make me happy again." Tracy, my friend for 10 years, appalled, contradicts me. She has been in love with the same man for 20 years, and claims up until this day, that she still has a crush on him. But theirs isn't a fairy tale romance---their story isn't perfect, nor their love convenient. But it is passionate, which makes it in every way, ideal in my eyes.

As children, Tracy and Alfred were constantly paired together. It helped too, that at the ripe age of 5, they were already attracted to each other. It was as if each had an old soul within them that defied the ignorance of their young minds, telling them that they were bound to each other. A puppy love that lasted from years on hence, a mature love that endures until now.

Her parents disapproved of the boy right from the start, for unfair reasons. Just because he wasn't the businessman/banker/lawyer type that they want her to end up with. They thought he didn't have potential. But she believed in him, and most of the time, that's the only thing needed to move mountains.

People are often immersed in concepts that are abstract, ideas that are intangible and overwhelming. The only way to deal with it is pocket a simple idea that you can hold on to. People complicate things unnecessarily. But with Tracy, it's as basic as loving purely. Simple, pure love. The innocence that a 5-year old's heart can bear, that blossomed into what it is now. Funny, some people might think, they might say that little children don't know what real love is. I completely disagree. Such is a love that is bound in faith, uncorrupted with betrayal or fear or expectations. She is the pillar of honest devotion--though it wavers at times (she is only but human afterall)--she loves only with a love that she knows. And I can't think of anything else more beautiful than that.

Tracy continues to battle with jaded personalities--people who've experienced painful bouts of betrayal, people who felt like they weren't loved, people who feel alone in the world. She gives that ounce of hope, which is really all we ever need to believe in love and in ourselves and in others. With her by my side, I now know that I can move mountains.

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.

- Corinthians 13 : 4 - 8

Homecoming

2005-09-27T19:28:00.000-07:00

To you,

For the unsent letters
and the pink shoes
and the walks under the rain
and the special event speeches
and for putting up with my emotions
and for allowing me to be a princess
and for the times that I felt worthless and needed hugs from Manhattan
and for opening me up to the idea that the world is never too big to be your home
and for helping me realize that love--real love, unconditional love--can withstand a thousand of miles, and the people who truly matter will be there by hook or by crook
and for worrying that I might not be making the right choices, but standing by every dumb decision I make anyway :)
and for providing clarity amidst confusion
and for seeing beauty amidst my imperfections
and for knowing me more than I know myself
and for poking at my vulnerabilities so I can define who I am and who I can be
and for believing in me when I've almost given up
and for the passion for life, love, and pain

And for the overflowing love without asking for anything in return. I cannot thank you enough. I can only be truly at peace when I know you've found where you really belong--be it New York or Manila, in your loved one's arms, or caught in your own safety net, or that place where all journeys end. You're stronger than you think you are. You're worth more than the love you give.
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And I’ve been keeping all the letters that I wrote to you
Each one a line or two
“I’m fine baby, how are you?”
Well I would send them but I know that it’s just not enough
My words were cold and flat
And you deserve more than that

And I feel just like I’m living someone else’s life
It’s like I just stepped outside
When everything was going right
And I know just why you could not
Come along with me
But this was not your dream
But you always believed in me

Let me go home
I’ve had my run
Baby, I’m done
I gotta go home
Let me go home
It will all be all right
I’ll be home tonight
I’m coming back home

- Home, Michael Buble

Say it with me (and say it out loud): I am beautiful, powerful and without regret.

2005-09-19T18:44:00.000-07:00

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give others permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
— Nelson Mandela, 1994 Inaugural Speech

2005-08-27T11:17:00.000-07:00

I say the only way you can truly find happiness is to recognize each blissful moment and then string all these memories together. Stop looking at the big picture, because this way, happiness becomes a mere concept. Intangible. Abstract. Impossible. You'll end up looking and looking and looking for something that isn't there.

Look at it one miracle at a time: The first sip of warm coffee in the morning. The smell of freshly cut grass. Hearing the soundtrack of your life playing during a traffic jam. Good conversation. A phone call you've been waiting for. Recess. A hearty meal. Hearing a child laugh. A lover's kiss. Chocolate. Dancing alone. Dancing with another. Singing your lungs out. Sharing ice cream with a friend. Kept promises. Cuddling during a rainstorm. A hand to hold.

On Your 27th

2005-07-15T02:30:00.000-07:00

It takes a lot of guts for me to publish this, because I am a private person. However I think it's a good sign that I'm doing this, it somehow gives closure, and an introduction to new beginnings. I like starting anew, because I am hopeful of what can happen, of what I can drive myself tbo do, of what is in store for me. And in this particular situation, it's difficult for me to get words out of my mouth, I'll just end up vomitting the letters and syllables and words. So I have to say this with how I can communicate it best, which is obviously, to write it down.

I might delete this one of these days, who knows. But I just feel that this is a fitting tribute to a person on his 27th year. Because I wish him the best, and I hope he finds that "it" that most of us at this age is scrambling to find (quarter life crisis, I tell ya). I wish he comes out more successful then he ever thought he would be. Because essentially, he is one of the people I know who is innately good. And for this, if only for this, he deserves only the best to come his way.

TO AN END, TO NEW BEGINNINGS, TO LEAVING AND FINDING YOURSELF AGAIN

I remember you coming up to me at the cafe we both frequented. "Sorry I just have to know your name", you said with an impishly shy smile, your crooked teeth showing a bit. I smiled back. Because I had been observing you from afar, not knowing you were doing the same. I remember telling my friends, "Yes there is a God, the guy we see at Cinnzeo went up to me and introduced himself." At that exact moment, I started believing in miracles again.

I remember you sending me an SMS, "Hi, do you want to hang out?" or some semblance of that idea. And you being late (I should've taken that as a sign) for our first date at Pazzo, when you were wearing a long sleeved t-shirt and jeans and sneakers. I remember thinking how lucky I am that this guy I was interested in, was also interested in me. That rarely happens, you see. We had pizza and pasta. And you said "The right way to eat pizza is to eat it with your hands," while I picked my food with a fork and a knife. "I don't want to get my hands dirty," I jokingly retort. I remember the way you looked at me then. It was a look of amazement/adoration/awe. It was the look that soon enough captured me. What was that coffee shop we went to? Heck, I don't even remember the name, it's been that long. How funny that all those places I just mentioned have long been gone. Replaced, perhaps, by something better. Or better yet, replaced for the better (we should've considered that a premonition)? It was the same place we went back to that day when we decided. And you kept the paper napkin we scribbled on.

How about going to the beach with your friends for the first time? I remember them saying that finally, you had someone. I remember how you took care of me when I had to shuffle from my house-to-work-to-rehearsals-back to my house for 4 months. I will cherish isaw nights and mochi ice cream days. I remember waiting every single day, like an abandoned pet, delighted when the sound of a car engine would stop in front of my house, hoping it would be you. I will remember all the laughter that ensued, because you were the funniest person I knew, and I was the funniest person you knew. We were too silly for our own good, and we drove each other crazy with our antics.

I remember that day when I got my heart broken, and I inadvertedly broke your heart, as a reaction to that pain. I remember you singing to me as I sleep, because it was, in my opinion, what you did best. I pretended to sleep a lot after that, because I secretly loved it, and because I didn't want you to stop.

Funny how things change in three years. But I still see you as one of my bestest friends, because after everything, we know that we can still hold on to each other in times of crisis. Maybe we've stopped producing memories and moments, but deep inside, we know we can depend on each other.

Now what was my point in defining these moments? I ask you to roll all those good and bad memories into a ball, throw it in front of you with all your might, with all your heart and soul. Follow it wherever it lands. You might have trouble looking for it the first time (or the second, or the third...), maybe, but I assure you, you'll eventually find it. And wherever your feet leads you in that quest, start anew and create new memories. Find your happiness. If you're patient enough, and do what is right and good, the world will work its magic and give what it owes you.

Here's to your 27th. May this year be filled with all those cliches that people wish unto people: wealth, health, happiness, faith, good karma and love. And most importantly, like I've always told you, I hope you find whatever it is you're looking for. This life is of continuous searching and finding. May your next journey be as fulfilling as all the others. And don't forget to sing your heart out along the way. Because that is what you do best.

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear
525,600 minutes - how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee
In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife
In 525,600 minutes - how do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love
Seasons of love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan
525,600 minutes - how can you measure the life of a woman or man?
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died

It’s time now to sing out
though the story never ends
Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends
Remember the love! Remember the love! Remember the love!
Measure in love
Seasons of love
Seasons of love.

Measure well then :) Happy Birdie!

Debbie

2005-07-04T06:46:00.000-07:00

Like all strong women I know, Debbie has been tempered by pain. As I say, there's nothing like a good heartache to keep you grounded and remind you of your humanity. A mistake made years ago bore her a child. It wasn't easy being unwed and carrying a child during those times, the stigma will get you before the depression does.

Makes you wonder how she overcame the hurt, or bitterness, to be the inspiration she is today. She touches people unknowingly. Without effort. Debbie seems to trivialize everything, as if no problem cannot be solved without a smile and a prayer. One day at work, she goes up to me and hands me a book--"kasi natutuwa ako sa 'yo (because you amuse me)", she says with a smile. "Inner Beauty at Work", it said on the pink cover. It was not so much the book, but the gesture that affected me. "I know you can relate to this", she scribbled on the inside back cover.

Debbie always had compelling stories to tell. These stories were true to life, and she had the battle scars to prove it. The dark rash scars on her face and arms were a revelation of her kindness. She tells us of walking through mountains, amidst fallen ashes spewed by an angry volcano, to give relief to nature's victims. She says all this with much humility, laughing quietly at her anecdotes, as if embarrassed that we might think she was weaving silly tales. She says all this, not knowing that she has etched a part of herself into the lives of others. Oblivious that I also want to bear her scars so that I can pass along stories as beautiful as hers.

Jasmine

2005-03-09T22:41:00.000-08:00

I remember the first time I saw her. She was onstage, and was at an audition reading for Lady Macbeth. And she had fire in her eyes.

This is probably where the similarities began. We shared the same passion for pretending, playing other people's lives. Memorizing scripts--it didn't matter if it were tragic or comedic, it filled the need to get away from real life. Wearing costumes--we wanted to wear different skins, because most of the time, no one understood.

I have an unusual fondness of her. I am usually awkward around other girls, being a boyish girl. With Jasmine, I felt sisterhood. Like I wanted to protect her. Like she was an ally.

Jasmine carried Mio at 20, while she was a senior in a Jesuit university. Preppy college kids scoff as such things as getting knocked off prematurely. But Jasmine took it all in stride, walking down the halls like she was the queen of the world, owning up to the mistake. This is her problem, and she was going to deal with it. No shame, all guts. I couldn't have been prouder.

Though I do not know her real story, I can read her through her eyes. As a soul sister, I feel that we go through the same ordeals, and probably deal with things the same way. Like a phoenix, she has fallen, but from dust, she flies again. Crash and burn and fly and soar. She started out desperately clutching, failure gnawing her heart. Then she uses that broken heart to find strength and will herself to crawl out of her hole. "Closing cycles," she says. "Out, out, damned spot," says Lady Macbeth. And we all move on.
------------------------------------------------
Closing Cycles
by P. Coelho, Warrior of the Light

One always has to know when a stage comes to an end. If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through. Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapters whatever name we give it, what matters is to leave in the past the moments of life that have finished.

Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened. You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust, just like that.

But such an attitude will be awfully stressing for everyone involved: your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister,everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will
all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us. What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents, lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.

Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away.

That is why it is so important (however painful it may be!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home. Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return, do not expect your efforts to be appreciated, your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: that is only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person nothing is irreplaceable, a habit is not a need. This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles. Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

Checks and Balances

2005-02-07T17:45:00.000-08:00

Exactly a year ago, my first major television ad aired. A few hours later, I found out that my ex-boyfriend was cheating on me. It was a sunny Sunday afternoon in 2004. After receiving many congratulations for getting exposure on national tv, I get accosted by a revelation that has been sitting in my gut for sometime. Hmmm, was God trying to confuse me with all the emotions I was suddenly forced to deal with?

Happiness. Thrill. Betrayal. Pain. Hurt. Gratitude. Anger. Depression. And the cycle goes on. It was as if He had to take away something to give me another thing. Checks and balances in fate's accounting sheet, just to keep me on my toes.

These two milestones in my life has opened many doors since. Amazing that they should happen on the same day. Since then, I only pray for two things: Courage and humility. I wish for courage for any pain/suffering/challenge I need to overcome. I wish for humility for achievements and blessings that are granted.

To forgive. To be thankful. To love. and love. and love. That's all that matters.

2005: Everything with faith, nothing without passion

2005-01-03T18:49:00.000-08:00

For 2005, I suggest:

...that don't settle for a love that is less than all-consuming. Love only a love that aches and breaks and screams from within. Never go for comfortable love. Comfort is for the shallow and cowardly. Be jealous, be proud, hold hands, kiss in public, argue, spend sleepless nights, get hurt, break up, make up. Love only a love that is too passionate for your own good--a love so insane that you feel it physically--revel in your palpitations, in your nausea, in your bliss. Anything else is not worth your effort.

...that you chase after your dreams. Know what you want and get it, without hurting anyone in the process. Make dignified choices, only then will you gain people's respect. Break barriers, the world is too big--do not limit yourself. Believe in miracles, try and try until you die. Believe in the great force that will keep you afloat and guide you throughout your journey.

...that you do something you've never done before. Do something that scares you. Bungee jump, love without limits, leave your dead end job, dance in public, sing in front of a crowd, go to China, help a charity. I assure you, only when you do what you think is impossible will you find yourself.

Whoever wants something great must be able to limit himself - Wolfgang Von Goethe

2004-09-07T16:28:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you are paralyzed with indecision.
You can't bring yourself to choose any one future because to choose one is to forsake the promise of all others.
Yet not choosing is making you crazy. In such a state, drastic action is necessary.
You must choose--and then, one by one, murder all the futures you passed over.
Like a faithful companion you've cherished all through your youth,
you must lead each future back behind the shed, and even if it looks up at you with those big eyes, dreamy with possibility, you must put the cold muzzle to its head and pull the trigger.

And you must do it again and again for each future that competes for the attentions of your heart.

Only then are you ready for commitment. Only then can you pursue the one thing which will, in time, and after much mourning, become all things to you.

The future is full of possibilities that I must shoot in the head.

- Andrew Boyd, Daily Afflictions

Jennifer

2004-08-23T18:42:00.000-07:00

Jenny's dark skin betrayed her. A silly notion, in this tropical island we live in, where we are naturally olive. Sadly, white skin is worshipped here, because of a skewed vision of beauty. In a country where whitening soaps, creams and skin bleach of all kinds are peddled and enjoy prime time ad coverage on tv, Jenny wasn't considered a striking beauty. This prompted rude catcalls, insinuations and unadulterated teasing from classmates. Her entire childhood was bolstered with name calling. Needless to say, it was traumatizing for her as a child.

This is a sad sad thing, because Jenny is one of the most beautiful women I know. Exuding courage and confidence, she knows what she wants and gets it--with propriety, sympathy and tact. Everything she does, she does with faith and unbridled passion. She embraces life fully and can't get enough of it--be it through enjoying a sunset atop one of the many mountains she has climbed, or touching life underwater during one of her dives, or just plain laughing. She laughs like there's no tomorrow. Since then, I've believed that there's no other way of laughing but like that.

Jenny went through a lot of phases before she finally figured herself out. This was how her childhood affected her -- she was made to believe that she wasn't good enough, so she had to go through transitions, and transform into what was considered acceptable. A late bloomer, we witnessed her morph into different characters year after year during college. Until she realized that the ONLY thing acceptable was that she had to love and accept herself first and foremost. She had only herself to answer to, not anyone else.

What was constant though was her strong personality. "Stripes are worn by people with no character," she always says. I believe that is her mantra, she who defied convention. Reveling in her individuality, this same personality intimidated men. I hate to generalize, but in our culture, few men aren't narrow minded. Machismo rules, independent women do not end up with Prince Charming (as if they wanted him in the first place). She often complained that she couldn't find the "one," because no one interested her. This was true, because the weaklings she meets do not merit her affections. She dated a few, yes, but none could stand up to her opinions, her intellect, and her quirks.

"Pikit, Lundag (take risks)!!!", she tells me. I took this as an invocation of strength. "You already love without limits, the next thing you have to do is chase after your dreams with the same intensity." Her simple yet meaty questions always got me thinking: "What are you afraid of losing?", "Do you love him because he loves you, or just because you do?", "At the end of the day, will it be worth it?" Jenny is the objective voice that knocks us girls into our senses. She says no bullshit and takes no weak answers. It was her copy of Coelho's The Alchemist that I read, her relationship with her father I envy, her will that I admire.

After a couple of years of having an on-off relationship with her US working visa, she finally relented and ran away to the States for good. She laid the groundwork herself and took the big leap. It was what she wanted and worked hard for. There was no stopping her this time. Besides, you shouldn't even try to stop people with this much ambition, you'll end up failing miserably. I can almost hear her say "So kelan ka lulundag?"

2004-08-02T20:56:00.000-07:00

After awhile you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean possession
and company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up
and your eyes ahead
with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build your roads today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have ways of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much
so you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn...with every goodbye you learn.

--- Virginia Shopstall [ comes the dawn ]

Florenz

2004-07-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

She always acted older for her age. Because of this, she harnessed other girls' insecurities. It was partly because she was beautiful--wide eyes, pallor skin, and a smile that goes on for miles. But what got to people was how she moved, they couldn't understand sophistication at such a young age. She was perceived as trying too hard to act grown up. But her fluid, unaffected act fit her, she was able to carry it off with the appropriate charisma. But you know how cruel girls can get. If you're able to carry off a vibe that betrays your age, then they automatically distrust you. She was considered a threat. Florenz was labeled a lot of things growing up, some amusing, others hurtful. But she continued to glide with that air of confidence, chin held up high, smile pasted on her face.

She didn't have it easy. She went to exclusive schools growing up, mainly with the help of scholarships and priveleged relatives. She was always surrounded by rich kids. Children who rode planes every summer, wore Ralph Lauren, owned vast shoe collections. Things she loved and wanted. She'd laugh and play with her peers, then went home and dreamt of pretty things while her mother tried to figure out what to feed her three children that day.

This went on and on. Days of skipping meals, months of figuring out how to pay for rent, years of surviving to keep a university scholarship. Florenz fought for her happiness. She worked hard for it. Not everyone understood what she was going through because she lived among the priveleged. People around her could only imagine, actually living it was a whole different case.

Being the eldest child, she knew it was up to her to support her mother and two brothers. She was the breadwinner at 21. This might not be a big deal to others, but what got to me was you never heard her complain. She was happy doing what she had to do. Yes, she was tired and wanted more, which is human nature--people are never satisfied. Life gave her lemons, therefore, she made lemonade. And with panache at that.

Florenz made me realize that it's not about yourself or what you want. You can only find yourself after you've lost yourself to others. She works with the cards she's been dealt with, brings happiness to her loved ones, and this she does complete with her trademark smile. She laughs passionately, is truly happy, is not bitter. And this is what real living is all about, embracing what you have --or what you don't have-- and celebrating life without abandon.

Susan and Mai

2004-04-26T09:51:00.000-07:00

Mai's mother died on a freeway in Los Angeles. She traveled 7,000 miles on air to get there, landed on ground, and decided to travel again not more than 3 hours after she landed. This time around though (and the last time apparently), she went more than 7,000 miles up with no plans of landing. Susan seeked recluse from a stagnant and more-often-than-not stressful marriage. She was tired, she was lonely, she needed a break. "I am going to have the best and longest holiday of my life," she says to her eldest child and only daughter before boarding the plane. Tita Susan never lies, you see.

Hers was an untimely and tragic death--a death that sent her family and friends reeling from the shock. Arriving at the LAX, she meets the chaffeur her friend sends to the airport to bring her to her LA vacation home. Getting a flat tire on the freeway, Tita Susan was her usual antsy self, and wanted to see what happened. She gets off the car, checks the damaged tire, and is hit by a speeding car. All this in a matter of seconds. All this in a couple of heartbeats. All this because she said she wanted to go to the best and longest holiday of her life.

I have memories of Tita Susan in patches and clips. The mother of my beloved friend, she would welcome us into their home, feed us to high heavens, and make sure everyone was comfortable. I remember sitting in their car, her telling Mai to take a bite of her hamburger only after she offers us guests with the food. She reminded Mai it was polite not to eat at all if we refuse her offer. She was all about sharing, giving, of exhausting herself. And that precisely was what she did when she finally decided to go.

Mai and her father traveled the longest 7,000 miles they've seen to bring her home. Grief-stricken, they picked up her body, merely a shell of what she once was to them. Imagine a husband and daughter seeing the broken body of the person considered their ultimate source of strength. But this time, what really mattered was she was going home, if she already wasn't.

I was there every night of the wake. Friends and family came, people who haven't seen each other for years on end, brought together by this painful circumstance. The chapel brimmed with flowers, food was in abundance. She was loved, as she loved. This was her party.

I carefully watched the children during the funeral mass and tried to make sense of it all. But I learned that in life and death, few things make sense and it's best not to analyze why things happen. Paralysis by analysis. I try to remember what an insightful friend once said, that the simplest explanation is usually the correct one. We tend to overthink, which leads to confusion and no conclusions. I say don't complicate matters--just take life as it comes, deal with the heartache, and move on. Remember that whatever the circumstances are, everything boils down to love. Every action in this world is love-driven. This is difficult to understand because people tend to make the wrong assumptions and decisions. It is easy to see the absence of love in betrayal, violence, pain, tragedy. It is difficult to recognize love in the bleakest of situations, such as here at a funeral where four children lost their mother in a tragic accident.

Mai walked the the path leading to the grave one painful step at a time. While her father and three brothers served as the pallbearers, Mai held on to the wreath of flowers. One foot in front of the other, the other in front of the other, she had to keep the momentum going. Or else she wouldn't be able to move forward.

Tita Susan gifted Mai with the best thing she can offer---the grace of motherhood. She taught her daughter well, as if she knew her 21-year old would soon take over her job of running the household, caring for a husband, and nurturing 3 boys. Mai not only inherited her cat eyes, but also picked up her mother's quirks. It's like Tita Susan never left at all. Although it was a painful process, Mai graciously took over. A life has been lost, but life must go on for the mourners. With a bruised heart and a battered soul, she continued her mother's role without doubt nor hesitation. All tears she shed was for a purpose, she didn't waste any time groveling in misery. She picked up the pieces and kept walking, forcing one painful step in front of the another. And she's never stopped since.